you know...obviously I'm still going through a lot...my heart still hurts and I can't feel love....I can feel attraction and affection, but I can't connect on a deeper level. I think that's the reason why I'm turning to Kyle right now...because I know him and he's gorgeous and I've always liked him and felt a connection with him so naturally in my time of need when I need someone it's him I turn to...but it fails me because he's got a girlfriend and just like in the past I know that nothing's going to come of it.

Also I've been thinking a lotto day about relationships....with a male adult figure....I had a father growing up but in my life I never had a dad. My "Dad" was always absentee, even when we were visiting I never felt like I could go to him for anything, because I could, he never knew who I was and until this day he still doesn't know who I am. My father on the other hand, he's always physically been there, but he never knew how to emotionally be there. It was never something he learned..and Asperger's didn't help. I always felt pushed to the side, and part of that was my depression, but part of it was because we really never had a connection...nothing like the relationship he had with my brother or sister. My mother told me the other day they were talking about me and he said something really nice...and I can't get it out of my mind...how could he think such things about me, yet sit there and cut my christmas present to him up right in front of me?

I think my father issues are the reason I have issues with guys...I've never had a strong relationship where the guy was always there both emotionally and physically..I think I'm terrified that a guy is going to leave me, one way or another. Somehow I always rush into relationships that fail in the first couple of weeks, but I never let relationships just happen...but I guess i've never met a guy with the exception of Jeremy that I feel a real relationship could happen with. I just have to keep faith that one day I will.

Goodnight, my someone,
Goodnight, my love,
Sleep tight, my someone,
Sleep tight, my love,

Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight

True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.

Sweet dreams be yours dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.
Goodnight,
Goodnight.

and this will be the way it is until my heart finds the one who completes it. Until I can be whole and happy once again. Goodnight my someone, goodnight.

I had this revelation today....about people I knew in high school and how they're exactly that now....people that I knew...they mean nothing to be now....i'm not even friends with them on facebook...it's interesting to read what they're doing and look into their lives but now they are just a person...an acquaintance...for a while I didn't want to let go of that because it's all I had, but since I've found who I am and what I want it's all I can do to remember those people and where I came from. Some days I wish I could cut all ties from people in high school but then that would be a little extreme since I still talk to a few people from B'burg [taylor, chad, thomas, my bestie] I guess I have a few more year to get my life together before our reunion...I just really hope I have something incredible to go back with...a gorgeous husband, beautiful children, a great job and a life that I love...if I don't have that I'm not sure if I will be able to go back. I want them to see me and be envious that this person who suffered so much for 4 years has really made something incredible out of herself. I want them to look at me and say "she is one lucky ass woman." I won't be able to go back until I have accomplished all of that.

I'm having an internal debate with myself in regards to Jeremy....I don't know if I should just say goodbye one last and final time, if I should just let him slowly drift away....if I do say goodbye I don't know how to do it...how do you say goodbye to the love of your life?? I was watching a movie earlier and the question was raised "do you believe every one has one person they're meant to be with?" and so it got me to thinking...do I? honestly I'm not so sure...I do believe in love as a concept and a feeling, my feelings for Jeremy make the belief in love unignorable. I definitely believe that there are some people out there that are definitely 100% made for each other, like my grandparents for instance...they've been married 51 years, they've known each other since junior high and they're still undoubtedly in love, but I don't necessarily believe that there's someone like that for every one, and on top of that, I don't necessarily believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Some people just are meant to be single forever, but I believe with those people that is either their choice, or after a certain age you just kinda let go and let things be....you give up...I've convince myself I'm going to be one of those people who're meant to be single forever....but I guess it's really too soon to tell...I AM only 20

I love making out and kissing guys and hugging them, and being cuddled and being in the presence of a good looking male. That's why I fall for them so easily...I'm a flirt and easily won over. The thing is....I can't ever let myself get serious...part of that up to this point was my undying love for Jeremy...but I also believe I do have a fear of commitment. I'm terrified to let someone get under my skin and into my heart the way Jeremy has. No one gets to see me cry, no one get to know how I'm feeling and how I'm hurting, it's not their place to know....it's mine, I can't burden them with my feelings and thoughts...I can't burden anyone with that...so I keep it inside, I write it in here....I don't let anyone know that I sobbed for an hour the other night because I felt torn to pieces...but I'll be okay. I am just terrified...I am truly terrified it's gonna be months before I get kissed again. I've come to really really love kisses and make out sessions...maybe I take them for granted, but I need them...and months? that's gonna be damn hard, but I just don't see anything like that happening any time soon

I don't mean to ramble...i just have to get my thoughts down somewhere and it's easier to type than to write. I suppose I should wrap this up...I've said enough as is.

If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that
...
No chance, no way,
I won't say it
...
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
...
I thought my heart had learned it's lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screamin' get a grip girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out, oh no

I guess it's important to find humor in the 'worst' situations...in this case mono...it's pretty definite that I gave mono to Jeremy. He won't begin to see the effects for another 2-3 weeks assuming he really did get it, but there's no doubt I did give it to him...I had symptoms before we went to the beach, i just didn't realize.

Anyways....I'm still hurting...things aren't the same and I hate that...I've seen the guy I fell in love with since we got back, but not often...it's like his heart isn't there. I thought that being with me for a couple days that I would be enough. I really did...but it turns out being me and having been there for him for the past 3 years and loving him ISN'T enough and it never will be. I was crazy to believe it.

I need to let go and move on. It's going to be a slow and painful process, I know that. I mean, you give 3 years of your life and your heart to 1 person, you don't get over that quickly...i know, I've tried to move on...but I think this is the straw that's breaking the camel's back...I've done all I can do and I've loved all I can love to the point I don't think I can love anymore. Him or anyone else. I am at a point I can't even be turned on anymore...that's never happened before.

I dunno...guess I'll just wait and see what tomorrow will bring.

Always fallen for these bad boys,
Such a challenge
I'm getting tired of cleaning
Up after them
I think I'm ready to be a woman
Oh love I think I'm ready
Ready for it

Dear God,
Is Mono REALLY necessary on top of everything else?? REALLY???
Love,
Me



So, as I'm sure you can guess I have mono. I also have midterms to study for, and presentations to prepare for and residents to care for, myself to take care of, programs to plan, etc. etc.

I swear God hates me...and I KNOW he's testing me...