I had this revelation today....about people I knew in high school and how they're exactly that now....people that I knew...they mean nothing to be now....i'm not even friends with them on facebook...it's interesting to read what they're doing and look into their lives but now they are just a person...an acquaintance...for a while I didn't want to let go of that because it's all I had, but since I've found who I am and what I want it's all I can do to remember those people and where I came from. Some days I wish I could cut all ties from people in high school but then that would be a little extreme since I still talk to a few people from B'burg [taylor, chad, thomas, my bestie] I guess I have a few more year to get my life together before our reunion...I just really hope I have something incredible to go back with...a gorgeous husband, beautiful children, a great job and a life that I love...if I don't have that I'm not sure if I will be able to go back. I want them to see me and be envious that this person who suffered so much for 4 years has really made something incredible out of herself. I want them to look at me and say "she is one lucky ass woman." I won't be able to go back until I have accomplished all of that.

I'm having an internal debate with myself in regards to Jeremy....I don't know if I should just say goodbye one last and final time, if I should just let him slowly drift away....if I do say goodbye I don't know how to do it...how do you say goodbye to the love of your life?? I was watching a movie earlier and the question was raised "do you believe every one has one person they're meant to be with?" and so it got me to thinking...do I? honestly I'm not so sure...I do believe in love as a concept and a feeling, my feelings for Jeremy make the belief in love unignorable. I definitely believe that there are some people out there that are definitely 100% made for each other, like my grandparents for instance...they've been married 51 years, they've known each other since junior high and they're still undoubtedly in love, but I don't necessarily believe that there's someone like that for every one, and on top of that, I don't necessarily believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Some people just are meant to be single forever, but I believe with those people that is either their choice, or after a certain age you just kinda let go and let things be....you give up...I've convince myself I'm going to be one of those people who're meant to be single forever....but I guess it's really too soon to tell...I AM only 20

I love making out and kissing guys and hugging them, and being cuddled and being in the presence of a good looking male. That's why I fall for them so easily...I'm a flirt and easily won over. The thing is....I can't ever let myself get serious...part of that up to this point was my undying love for Jeremy...but I also believe I do have a fear of commitment. I'm terrified to let someone get under my skin and into my heart the way Jeremy has. No one gets to see me cry, no one get to know how I'm feeling and how I'm hurting, it's not their place to know....it's mine, I can't burden them with my feelings and thoughts...I can't burden anyone with that...so I keep it inside, I write it in here....I don't let anyone know that I sobbed for an hour the other night because I felt torn to pieces...but I'll be okay. I am just terrified...I am truly terrified it's gonna be months before I get kissed again. I've come to really really love kisses and make out sessions...maybe I take them for granted, but I need them...and months? that's gonna be damn hard, but I just don't see anything like that happening any time soon

I don't mean to ramble...i just have to get my thoughts down somewhere and it's easier to type than to write. I suppose I should wrap this up...I've said enough as is.

If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that
...
No chance, no way,
I won't say it
...
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
...
I thought my heart had learned it's lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screamin' get a grip girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out, oh no