you know...obviously I'm still going through a lot...my heart still hurts and I can't feel love....I can feel attraction and affection, but I can't connect on a deeper level. I think that's the reason why I'm turning to Kyle right now...because I know him and he's gorgeous and I've always liked him and felt a connection with him so naturally in my time of need when I need someone it's him I turn to...but it fails me because he's got a girlfriend and just like in the past I know that nothing's going to come of it.

Also I've been thinking a lotto day about relationships....with a male adult figure....I had a father growing up but in my life I never had a dad. My "Dad" was always absentee, even when we were visiting I never felt like I could go to him for anything, because I could, he never knew who I was and until this day he still doesn't know who I am. My father on the other hand, he's always physically been there, but he never knew how to emotionally be there. It was never something he learned..and Asperger's didn't help. I always felt pushed to the side, and part of that was my depression, but part of it was because we really never had a connection...nothing like the relationship he had with my brother or sister. My mother told me the other day they were talking about me and he said something really nice...and I can't get it out of my mind...how could he think such things about me, yet sit there and cut my christmas present to him up right in front of me?

I think my father issues are the reason I have issues with guys...I've never had a strong relationship where the guy was always there both emotionally and physically..I think I'm terrified that a guy is going to leave me, one way or another. Somehow I always rush into relationships that fail in the first couple of weeks, but I never let relationships just happen...but I guess i've never met a guy with the exception of Jeremy that I feel a real relationship could happen with. I just have to keep faith that one day I will.